▪ - ~ AFFECTED~ - ▪

Seems like I'm always so affected by you. I'm not allowed outbursts or everyone will think I'm just like you. The reason why I'm just like you is because I want to be BETTER THAN YOU CAN EVER BE. A wierd person to be a role-model its true. But you're not a role-model. You're a fucking bench-mark. If I can surpass you, perhaps I will reach the pinnacle of perfection. Because YOU think YOU're perfect.

I don't know why the others tell me not to care about you, but it seems that I can't. I would very much love to... And get everything off by my own hand, and you can just talk to my HAND instead. If only I had never known you, then I wouldn't have such a hard time battling with myself. Sometimes, I want to learn to un-care about you. But this is easier said than done. You're such an unsightly growth that I must do everything to get you out of the way even if it means getting myself hurt in the process. I don't even know if you should be aware of this, but from what I see, you'd be too oblivious to care about what you've done to others, because you're a self centered individual.
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You are't even real siblings bro, so snap out of it. Why can't ties be severed just like everything else can. SO WHAT if there's been years of friendship around. Do you even think you need something like that?
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I'm kpo for my own good. Is it a crime being helpful? I don't mind getting killed if I can help someone. Why MUST you tell me I'm being too kpo for my own good? I'm learning just like everybody else is.

If I can't even have an avenue to express myself, what is this going to be worth? My only regret in knowing you is that I have to know her. I suppose everyone knows about this by now but yes, I love you too much to let that hinder me. And that's the only point where I can overlook her.

If this ain't being obvious enough, I don't know what is.
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I climb up on my own two feet, I learn all the shit there is and I take it as well. Is this NOT enough? What would you have me to do? What is the right thing to do? Where is the justice?
That I cannot escape from someone as disgusting as she is. I'm so ashamed that I am like her sometimes. Why can't I be spared from this as well. When can I finally find a release from this kind of mental torture.

Yes, it is torture. To be able to learn how to tolerate scums of this world like this. To be not allowed to have outbursts like this. I am not a dove, I am a hawk. It is my nature to hunt, not my nature to be passive. Why can't you understand this. I know you love me, but is this really letting me express myself? Tell me what to do my love...

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I have come to this conclusion that I'll just stick to what I have been doing so far... before I can seek for gold and as he says, YI BU DENG TIAN. Yes, who will take you seriously if you find something like that. But if it's a big MNC who are YOU to question it. Pit yourselves against the power of the business forces then, it's not my perogative. And don't use it against me to say that I'm not good enough. Now's not the time. Maybe next year.

Eat your heart out BITCH. I'll pick up my broken pieces better than you would have ever done. If you even know what glucose means. And how to use glucose to the best of your ability.

And to all the brothers out there, I only hope that you all can finally step out of her world. In phases at least. I don't see why no one can see what I'm looking at. This terrible thorn in the flesh thats growing out of control. Fucking tumours.

Diary of the Lost Guardian.[3:24 pm]

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